This is part 3 of our blog series on biblical singleness. Our last post covered some of the spiritual benefits of being single. Now, let’s dive into some potential pitfalls that single Christians should avoid.
In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul provides some teaching on marriage and singleness. Embedded in this text he talks about three pitfalls that single Christians should watch out for.
In 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 Paul says, Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. The first pitfall of singleness is
1. Sexual Temptation
Paul doesn’t pull any punches. He acknowledges, there is a temptation for single people as it relates to sexual sin. He calls it “burning with passion.” Please understand, God created sex. It was his idea. It wasn’t the devil’s idea. It was God’s good gift for mankind, but there are some parameters for how it works best for mankind. How it is a blessing and not a curse. It is an incredible gift within the context of a marriage relationship. Without that marriage relationship, sex itself and even the temptation for sex can become a problem. The answer is not hookups, or pornography, or affairs. These expressions of sexuality fall short of God’s good plan. So, Paul essentially says, if you’re burning with passion and can’t control yourself, you should get married.
This is where we need to be careful. Remember, he’s giving this advice as a response to a specific question maybe even from a specific person. Like, “Ok now for Johnny’s question, I know Johnny’s situation between him and Sally. You guys have been together for a long time, I’m actually surprised you’re not married by now anyway. If it’s getting too hot and heavy, it’s time to tie the knot.” This could be what’s going on. So, we must be careful about universalizing this advice. There is, however, a universal principle attached to this text even if this is specific advice. The principle is that single adults will need a strategy to deal with sexual temptation or it will become one of your pitfalls. This is NOT an open door to just rush into the first relationship that comes your way if you’re struggling with lust. Don’t be the one who says, “You know what? I’m burning with desire, what’s your name? Let’s get married. The bible said I should.” Don’t do that. There’s a second pitfall
2. Loneliness
Some people love the solo life, but others find it frustrating to come home at the end of the day and not have someone to share life with. And closely connected to loneliness is a thing called comparisons. It’s never been easier to compare your life to other people’s lives than it is today. So, it’s easy to come home and you’re already frustrated and then start scrolling and another old friend got engaged and another one celebrated 5 years, and a clock is ticking in your head and you start seeing everything in pairs. This couple and that couple and you look down at your pair of shoes sitting next to each other and you’re like, “even my left shoe has someone.” Loneliness is fed by comparisons. It’s important to note that there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. Just because someone is alone doesn’t mean they have to be lonely. But loneliness can creep in and really affect a person’s physical, and mental, and emotional, and yes, spiritual well-being.
Free Resource: Who is God Calling You to Connect With?
Here’s the danger of loneliness. It’s like going to the grocery on an empty stomach. You’re in trouble. You buy everything you don’t need. It doesn’t matter if it’s good for you or not, you just want to fill your stomach with something! When you’re lonely, you do the same thing. You’ll pull stuff off the shelf, not because you need it, but because you’re hungry for anything. And a single person can slip into this lie that says, there is no good thing to fill the emptiness, there’s no positive thing to fill that loneliness, so I might as well just fill it with something. “Anything” we tell ourselves, “Is better than nothing.” This is the danger. You’ll turn to substances, hookups, and time-wasting entertainment– anything to ignore the loneliness.
3. Selfishness
The world’s view of singleness say’s it’s all about YOU. Have all the fun right now, before you lose all your freedom. This is your time. Enjoy you, to get to know you, find satisfaction for you. So, some singles pour themselves into their career and become workaholics and addicted to all the trappings of success and side-gigs, and disposable income, and some pour themselves into hobbies and the world revolves around their free time, and some pour themselves into cheap thrills or comfort and satisfaction, and it can become a very self-focused existence.
There is an important section in the middle of 1 Corinthians chapter 7 where Paul offers some more enduring and universal truths. In :17 he says, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them… and then in :23 for you were bought at a price. Paul is working through a section where he looks at various lots in life. Socio-economic positions, religious backgrounds, marital statuses. And he basically says, I don’t care whether you’re rich or poor, slave or free, circumcised or uncircumcised, married or single, this I know to be true … it’s not all about you, your life is not your own, you were bought with a price. The bible is very clear that no stage or status in life is a free for all. But each situation is an opportunity to live as a believer and as one who has been purchased by Christ himself. With his own blood. You are not your own. You are a child of God, a servant of God, a friend of God, an ambassador of the most high God. He is your focus, he is your grand pursuit, he is your everything. It’s not all about you; it’s all about him. Beware of the pitfall of selfishness.
Why would God give you a desire that He doesn’t meet immediately?
All of these pitfalls are connected to unmet desires. All temptation to sin is about an unmet desire that you try to meet outside God’s provision. Which begs the question, why would God give you a desire that he doesn’t meet immediately? I think there are two big reasons why God sometimes gives us desires that He doesn’t meet immediately. The first is…To learn self-control.
1 Thess. 4:3-5 It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, 5 not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; If you struggle with lust while you’re single, it won’t magically go away in marriage. Sexual temptation is not a singleness issue; it’s a holiness issue. And it will follow you into each stage of your life if you don’t deal with it. Notice, God’s will for your life is not that you’d get married. He says it’s God’s will that you should be sanctified, that you be more like Jesus, and that you learn your lust because your lust is simply shining a spotlight on a need in your life that’s not being met by God. And do you know what Paul’s solution is? He says do not give into lustful passions as the gentiles who do not know God. There’s the key right there. They don’t know God, so there’s no other outlet for temptation for them. The flip side, he’s implying that you DO know God and this temptation is an opportunity to allow Him to be more and more present.
The second reason God sometimes gives you a desire that he doesn’t meet immediately is to learn the sufficiency of God’s grace. I think of Paul’s thorn in the flesh. How did he reconcile this thing in his life that proved to be so difficult? In the end he said, His grace is sufficient. Paul had a desire that he wanted God to take away because he thought life would be easier if God just took it away. And some single folks, not all, but some feel like they’re supposed to be married, supposed to have that partner, and they think, “God, it would be so much better here if you’d just make that happen, now.” But sometimes God doesn’t meet that desire, and instead, He says, I want you to learn yourself and be a picture to others that I’m enough. God says to singles and to everyone else, “In the midst of your need, in the midst of your weakness, in the midst of your affliction, in the midst of your temptation, if you learn to trust me, I can prove to you that there exists a relationship even more satisfying than what you’re longing for.”
My question is: is His grace sufficient for you? Single adults, is His grace sufficient? And the reason this is so important is because even if you do decide to get married someday, God’s sufficiency is still the key. Your marriage partner will never be able to meet all your needs. And married people would testify that when you expect your spouse to provide what only Jesus can provide, it is a recipe for disaster. Learn, now, to rely on his sufficiency. There are some who may need to say, “There’s a relationship that I’m involved in that needs to change, or maybe I need to get out of it altogether because it’s bringing too much temptation. Or there’s a behavior pattern in my life that I need to break off. Or I need some support right now because of loneliness, or I need some accountability because of selfishness. I’ll seek it out.” For some, the pitfalls are getting the best of you and you need to say, “I’m going to live as a believer in this situation that the Lord has assigned me.”
Make sure to subscribe to our blog so you don’t miss the next (and final) part of our singleness blog series for Christian singles on “Four Challenges to the Church Regarding Singleness.”
